Suffering in Silence 

  



Warning: This post is gonna be rant-y. But sometimes you need to be slapped in the face with biblical truth.

You ever think that no one should have to listen or deal with your problems? Or maybe you think I just need my space right now. I’ll be honest. I have been guilty of feeling these ways. 

Recently, someone close to me was going through something hard and didn’t wanna let me in for a number of reasons and it made me upset. I wasn’t mad at them per say but mad that they wouldn’t let me care for them and pray for them. Isn’t that what the bible says I’m supposed to do? So I had to take a step back and question myself: What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Is this feeling biblical?

After some much needed prayer and bible studying, I found out that my conviction was solid. When someone you love is going through something hard you generally wanna know because you love them. For me, being a Christian means that my fellow Christians are my brothers and sisters. Before I even call any of them my friends, I consider and call them my brother, my sister. 

So what good is it for us to be family and yet treat each other as strangers? We don’t let each other in and we don’t let people know what’s going on. But the worst is to do that and then wonder why no one is caring. Why no one is encouraging us. Why no one is loving us. 

“If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭12:26‬ ‭NLT‬

If one suffers, we all suffer. 

It. Is. Biblical. 

It’s okay to have time alone with God and pray. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. And it’s okay to be going through the punches.

It’s not okay to shut out your family. It’s not okay to say that they shouldn’t be in your business. It is not okay to sit yourself on your self pity island and wonder why no one loves you. These are SATAN’S lies. He keeps you on that island of suffering, alone,and doesn’t allow you to see that everyone is on their OWN island too.

We need to suffer together. That is why we are given the   body of Christ. To love each other, to laugh with each other, to rejoice with each other AND TO SUFFER WITH EACH OTHER. We are here to help others and ourselves get to heaven. How can we do that by sitting on our island of self pity? I’ll tell you how. YOU. CANT. 

I admit, I may not understand a lot of things but the way I love understands suffering with my brothers and sisters. The way I Love  understands  helping  each other no matter what I might be going through on my own. 

And I also admit, My heart is cracked and my soul is tired. Though I keep pushing forward and continue to run the race set before me, I can tell you that this past month has the been the hardest in a long time. I feel alone and I feel shattered. I don’t feel my brothers and sisters suffering with me and I also don’t feel them letting me suffer with them. 

So on I go, continuing to pray. For my growth and for the growth of the ones I love. 

Until next time my lovelies. 

PSA: Stay suffering and stay rejoicing with those around you because that is a necessary PART of Godly Love. 

🤘🏼

Shots Fired 🔫

  

I’ve been carrying this gun. Sounds dangerous right? Like OMG she’s got a gun?! Why would anyone give a crazy, loud, overly- emotional girl a gun? But you see, this gun is a special type of gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it’s shoots love. (Wait before you check out because you think it’s gonna get real cheesy., just wait) so I have been walking around with this gun for awhile now. If you think about a gunshot. It’s intense. Its instant. It’s deep. It’s me. I’m a gunshot. I’m a part of every fired bullet. I love intensely. I love instantly. I love deeply. For years I carry this weight with me, by my own choice of course. I show my love as best as I can. I give it freely as my Father in heaven has given it to me. I’ve given until I feel so transparent and so drained. I forgive and I trust when the world thinks I’m crazy for doing so but I still do it. Not because I’m a good person. Not because I like being torchered. I do it because of grace and because of mercy. God not only blesses me even though I don’t deserve it but he also delivers me from the punishment my sins truly deserve. When I think about how the creator of the UNIVERSE can do THAT for my stinky sucky self, that it is only fitting that I do that for his children. For my peers. My brothers and sisters. 

Nonetheless I’m left feeling alone. I feel isolated. I try and try to do my best to be there, to help, to guide, to exist. I don’t want to annoy. I don’t want to be pushed away. I don’t want to ruin. But I feel in pieces. I feel powerless. I feel helpless. I have been shoved in a corner when I feel I have been in everyone else’s corner giving what I can while understanding I can’t change and fix everything yet when I’m backed into mine, it lays bare and isolated with no one for miles and miles. No one to shoot me love. 
Is it me?
What the heck does being too emotional even mean??
Do I laugh too much?
Do I cry too much?
Do I care too much? 
Have I given too much of my soul and forgot to keep myself whole? 
Have I crossed the line of carrying each other’s burdens to carrying their loads? I don’t know. 
Ultimately, I have reached apathy. I have reached a place of too tired to care. To unmotivated to get out of bed. To unmotivated to fix my relationships with people. And I know that is not where God wants me to be. I know I need to forgive and to love no matter what but it’s so hard to be constantly hurt by the people you have willingly brought so close into your life. It’s so hard to be hurting at the hands of those who you thought would be in your corner. And I’m hurt. And man oh man, am I hurting.. 
Here I am, though, shooting with everything that I’ve got, all the love that I can give to other people; intense and deep and instant. I just wish I had known how hard the backfire was gonna hit me. 

surrender

Dreams are a peculiar thing. Sometimes they hang you on every moment. You beg for every second. You drown in its pleasure and bliss behind closed eyes. Sometimes they are so vivid, so real, you can’t even imagine it not being tangible. Once your awake, you’re almost sorry you woke up. Dreams turn into daydreams. You see them every where you go and people see them written on your face. Eyes dancing in the light, small twitches of a smile when you are alone, humming of songs that keep you attached to that place.

But then, there are other dreams. Those that keep you locked in. They restrain you. They pull you in deeper and deeper. The more you struggle to break free, the tighter the grip on you. Every second is worse than the last. You beg every second to wake up. You yearn to get out of the hell you’ve been dragged through. When you finally wake, it still doesn’t leave you. People see it written on your face. Eyes darkened by the despair and reddened by the tears, small twitches when sudden movement is directed to you, bruises on once silky, porcelain skin, dark music that that keeps you attached to that place.

Here I am, surrendered to every second behind closed eyes.

Wanna Make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

raingirl

                 I’ve learned a lot about situations recently. What is a situation, you ask? According to Dictionary.com, it’s a set of circumstances in which one finds oneself. The circumstance I have found myself in is ungratefulness in my situation. I’ve heard that life is a set of rooms. How we get stuck in these rooms, how small or big it is, or who we get stuck in them with is all up to us. I think these rooms are all glass and we can see other people’s rooms and in what situation they are in. And instead of looking around my own little room, I stand at the edge of it with my nose pressed up against the glass wanting what other people have in their situations.

                Let’s take having a boyfriend for example. Sometimes as young women, we see every other girl in a relationship and they are just so happy and giddy and we think well God, I want that. I deserve that. When is my situation gonna be like that? I have found my very self thinking that way. Thinking that I know what I want. I know what I need God, so here’s my list and you just handle the part about giving it to me. NEWSFLASH: God is not Santa Claus. We can’t just spout out everything we want and need to the creator of the universe and expect to get anything. Like, PFFT Who do we think we are? God knows what I need. He even knows what I want.

“For your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” -Matthew 6:8

“Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” -Psalm 37:4

So what got me on this whole rant? Well I’m glad you asked. It was actually a quote that popped up on my newsfeed via Facebook. The quote had nothing to do with God or gratefulness but had everything to do with perspective and since my perspective is that of a Christian, (Or it should be, though, not always) I related it back to God.

Here is the quote:

“I am trying to see things in perspective. One day my dog wanted a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this because chocolate makes dogs very very sick. However, my dog does not understand that. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When she realizes that I will not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, dropping and sad.”   -Blythe Baird, Theories about the Universe

I think about God here. God knows my best interest. When I decided to follow him, I said that I wouldn’t live my life for what I want anymore but for him. Because God knows me. He knows me inside out. I mean of course! He made me.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” -Psalm 139:13

He knows what I need and he knows what I want. I know that God’s plan for me is beyond anything I can ever imagine. He has my best interest in mind just like the owner has her best interest for her dog. When I want something with my whole being, maybe not even a boyfriend maybe its something even deeper than that, but even though I think I know that I really want it and that this one thing is gonna make me happy, how will I react when God’s answer is no? Do I go and sit in corner moping and sad because I didn’t get what I want? How sad and pushed away must God feel about that? He loves us so much. He loves me so much. God knows: “My daughter, I know that you think that this what you want, but you don’t understand how much it will hurt.”

 “I know the plans I have for you,” announces the Lord. “I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come. Then you will call out to me. You will come and pray to me. And I will listen to you.  When you look for me with all your heart, you will find me.  -Jeremiah 29:11-13

Do we trust God like this? We need to. Why? Because God is clear that he knows all the plans he has for us. Everything happens at the perfect time in the perfect place and for the perfect reason even though we may not always know what that reason is. God never promises us understanding all the going-ons about this world. All we need to know is that he loves us and he is powerful. Trust him.

Furthermore, our plans will never prevail anything. Just so you know.  “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, BUT it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” So basically, no matter what in a battle of your plans with God you will always LOSE.

God loves you. That’s it. When he withholds things from you, do not be discouraged because those things weren’t meant for you at least not right now. Wait patiently for the Lord.

So I will sit in my little glass room and instead having my face pressed against the glass looking at other’s rooms, I will look around my own and be grateful of where I am right here and right now.

The Lord is good to those who put their hope in him.
    He is good to those who look to him.
 It is good when people wait quietly
    for the Lord to save them.”

-Lamentations 3:25-26

 

Righteous Lioness Out❤